The Systematic Theology of Modern Mainline Evangelical Christianity in America
*note: what you are about to read is a caricature based upon isolated realities. It is tounge-in-cheek and meant only to spur polemical debate, not to flame. 1. The Bible is a book of absolute statements (absolutely understood by the reader) to be read in piecemeal segments used to identify who is "other"** and what the other is doing wrong and to determine the physical and spiritual fate or should be fate of the other. It's secondary use is to help the reader feel better about themselves or "encourage" them in their current path. The only statements that should be read and taught are those that accomplish this goal and can be most easily understood and espoused by the reader (i.e., John 3:16, Phil 4:13, some of the 10 Commandments, or the ones about abortion, evolution and the gays).
2. The aforementioned minutia of Biblical teachings will make up 10% of one's belief system. 50% will come from the culture of your first 18 years of life (anything learned after these years is to be mistrusted, especially if it is learned in a college or university or other institution of higher learning [*Bible colleges excluded] & universities are solely useful as issuers of passports to privilege). 10% will come from Fox News, Drudge Report & talk radio (avoid NPR). 10% from music & television (top 40, Christian radio, & nu-country are excellent truth tellers). 10% from commercials & advertisements (Mama's got the magic of Clorox Bleach). The final source would be 10% from friends that share the previous 90%.
3. Any teaching that is presented that goes against one's personal happiness or belief should be regarded as relative, figurative or misunderstood. If these options are not possible then cognitive dissonance should be employed to dizzying effect (Anything that looks communistic or confronts one's ideas, interests, or allegiance to country should be discounted most quickly & Remember, self-sacrifice is Jesus's job...or the troops).
4. Doctrine can best be understood in bumper sticker form and is a sociological trend (see also #1).
5. The heart (or gut) is always to be trusted above the mind (see also #3).
6. The Gospel is understood as a personal decision that Jesus will pay your airfare to heaven upon death. If you believe this hard enough, repeat a mantra and don't screw up. Jesus will also pay for other things on earth for you...just don't mess up!!! Believe harder maggot!!
7. Salvation is limited to a person's soul and has no other broader ramifications. It only addresses the most "spiritual" aspects of life. God cares about nothing else going on in the world and neither should you unless it effects your personal happiness (God may choose to place a real "burden" on your heart for maintaining the status quo to your betterment).
8. Personal salvation is the single most important moment in one's life (keywords: single & moment). Again, don't mess up!! (but if you do, you can always "recommit" yourself).9. A Pro-life stance only concerns the time in a person's life between conception to delivery.
10. Prayer is a tool to pursue happiness or to indicate your disapproval with a person or their behavior (i.e., "I will pray for you, _____").
11. Community most often refers to a neighborhood with a gate around it.
12. Unquestioning faith is second only to unquestioning nationalism (to the "pro-America" regions of the country***).
13. "Afterlife, Slavery to the Law, and Liberty to fully Pursue Happiness & Safety First" is the creed.
**(The "other" includes Jews with the dispensationalist exception of when it involves protecting Israel so as to encourage the return of Jesus.)
*** Pro-America regions are represented by the red and orange areas on the map.
If I was an outsider looking in, from that perspective, this would be my 13-point assessment of the beliefs of American Evangelicals.What would you add?
Labels: Conservatives, Religion
posted by Matt @ 11:00 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
14. They are required by their own religious beliefs to force said beliefs on everyone they meet. This is why the average evangelical is so much more annoying than the average, say, Episcopalian.
Of course, in practice, evangelicals only interact with other evangelicals, so the desire to evangelize is channeled in two directions: (1) 'mission' trips abroad that consist mostly of telling the locals that everything they believe is wrong, and (2) efforts to rewrite laws at home, so that people in the non-pro-America parts of the country have to live like evangelicals, too.
Of course, like you, I wasn't always an outsider. It's more complex, but this is more or less how evangelical America has opted to portray itself.
Excellent point about the "in practice" part.
Hrmm where to start. Cool blog. Great points highlighting weaknesses of cultural protestantism's woes.
I don't think you can say it's not a flame though. It's sarcastic satire (redundant I know), which is really just a more intelligent type of flaming.
But two things concern me.. The light in which you portray your arguments is one of someone who has been hurt/burned by the inadequacies and hypocracies of others. You're obviously very familiar with these associations, and passionate about their shortcomings. Yet you have no love for them. At least not visible here.
Your description of yourself as a former elitist (I think?), is far from the mark. This entire blog is an elitist perspective. To be elite is to separate oneself from others in the belief that your better, and this entire article is a criticism in which you distance yourself from a group you were once associated because of their weaknesses.
So while I LOVE a lot of the points you make here - I seriously agree with 90% of it - I think you might be fooling yourself in painting yourself as a non-elitist idealist. I'm only bothering to mention it because I respect your intelligence... otherwise I'd be certainly wasting my time.
Ryan, well actually it says "recovering and struggling elitist" not "former." Ha, but there is love, though perhaps as you said, "not visible here." There is love for the Church and for her to be who she was meant to be. But that's found in relationships and practice and is hard to convey on a silly blog of rants and other people's rants. But to be serious, satire is a form of truth-telling and that's not divorced from love of the thing. Maybe I should follow it up with my own systematic theology, but I don't see that as the point of this blog. Plus, it's more for me and my friends. Do I know you or did you just find this on google?
Awesome response :). I feared the standard prideful response of hostility that one typically finds on the internet when judging another..
We actually went to Belmont together (Ryan Ogletree), and as was the college thing to do we became facebook acquaintances and enlarged our friend counts at each others expense :P. And I think I met you in RUF one wednesday night. I only went once and never came back, for many of the exact reasons you said in this blog.
Not divorced from love perhaps, but separated indeed, though not by intention; rather the opposite in this case. I agree about relationships and practice, but you do have a relationship with whomever reads these blogs if you're their promoter, just as any skilled writer has a relationship with his audience.
From personal experience (on elitism), being elitist is like have herpes. You can make it go away, but it always comes back.
Please be careful on your use of the word 'truth', as we know nothing but our own perceptions of 'truth'.
Lol sorry, I noticed my comments are filled with lecture... the elitist in me reigns. Anyhow, I hope you see that the intent of my comments is only to improve on the incredible potential I see in your what I would call a 'liberated mind.'
Enjoying the great blogs :)
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